A year ago my Mom passed away and I awoke feeling tearful. Today, July 26th, my dear long-time companion, Katy, who I've mentioned before on this blog, passed away.
Oh, this is for birds?
Sure, she was just a stray from the Humane Society, but she gave me as much happiness as any pet could give. Being around 20 years old, she hadn't been well for a while and while I knew "her time" was near, I'm still devastated.
Being already high in the "grief-alert" category, and with everything else that has happened this summer and with yet to find a physician who seems to care a flying fig what happens to my husband's shoulder, I'm ill-prepared to handle the raw nerves exposed in grieving. Yet, just having laid to rest my dear cat in one of her favorite go-to spots, here it's difficult to dwell on loss when I'm surrounded by life in its extreme and wild beauty...colorful birds, flowers, trees, butterflies, bees, and dragonflies going on about their daily lives, oblivious to my loss. I see Katy everywhere I look, and probably always will. Heck, I still hear the sound of my golden retriever's chain when he walked and I lost him in 2000!
Katy, you may have been "just another cat" but you were, and always will be, precious to me. Thank you for the joy you gave me all these years. I hope I made you happy, made you feel loved, and that you lived a life a cat dreams of.
And, Mom? Yeah, I still miss you like crazy. I woke up thinking about how you giggled about the corniest jokes and I began the day crying. I still break down when I see your phone number in my contacts, but I can't bring myself to delete the entry. They say time is the great healer, but I'm not sure what healing even means anymore.
Yes, I'm pushing myself through this...I'm still an infant in many ways emotionally. PTSD had kicked my behind for years, shred my life into tatters, and sifting through the past few years of what's supposed to be left of me has been more of an ordeal than I expected, and am still unable to handle much. I've gained some strength and determination in ways I never had or expected before, though but don't realize it until they're called upon. Perhaps we get dealt what we need to make it to the next level. Maybe I can try to not feel that pain and loss, but feel that bliss, that comfort, that comes from having loved, and been loved.
Here in the Shawnee Forest, you can't see the sadness for the trees.
And life goes on....